Yes, of course I could have covered boobies and breasts – Kim Kardashian’s assets, both front and back seem to be buxom enough to boost sales of a little-known publication.

But her butt has had enough publicity to last a lifetime and my poor brain could not cope with coming up with any more puns to describe her bouncing booty.

So, no it isn’t about breasts or boobies.

It could be about bums – and my ongoing despair that I inherited my white mother’s flat lady backside rather than a black booty that would fill my jeans rather than leave them sagging sadly in the breeze.

B…not for breasts or bums. Well after another long haul trip overseas, it could be about boarding passes.

A sure bet is that I will lose mine along the way and the cold sweat and butterflies will flutter by as I burrow through every orifice on my person in a bid to find it before the gate closes in the next five minutes.

Stage one – blasé – of course I know where it is; stage two – bewilderment – I just had my hand on it; and of course finally blind panic as I realise that I may have thrown it out with my last fag before going airside.

This time, with three widows and my sister to accompany me on this trip, I managed to get myself here in one piece and the boredom that usually sets in shortly after embarking on a 24-hour trek …when your bum numbs and your brain can barely take in the plethora of movies available to while away the time as you move across three continents…was not an issue.

The brouhaha is all in my head as I deal with the fallout from my 29^th birthday. Another step closer to 30 and in a bold first for me – this year didn’t involve a week’s worth of boozing and buffoonery – and instead I welcomed a new year without the bleary head and buzzing headache of yesteryears.

This I believe is a sign.

One that once and for all and beyond any shadow of doubt proves that I am an adult. That I have put aside my childish ways and blossomed into a benign and maybe even beneficial member of society.

Or maybe I should just have stuck to buming and blowing about boobies and backsides rather than all this balderdash and baloney?