The day I almost passed out in the office was when I realised that I was and never could be Beyoncé.

Her of the tiny waist and glorious (imported locks). She had apparently spent weeks living on a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup.

Losing stones in the process, which resulted in the largest proportion of her body weight coming from the hundred thousand dollar weave perched precariously on a lollipop head that risked snapping her neck.

Feeble and weary, I realised that this was not the diet that would transform me from a 6ft African with the physique of a prop forward into a whippet thin Sasha Fierce. Despite having the willpower to continue the liquid diet – my body alas would not put up with any more of the torture.

I lasted just two days…and I celebrated by feasting on all manner of solid foods – quickly reversing any of the positive impact of my brief foray into the world of the queen B.

Don’t worry…my constant dieting is not because I’m deluded enough to think that I can shave off the solid African bones and white lady bottom I’ve inherited from my parents.

I like to think I’m conducting an ongoing biological study. That when I shuffle off this earth I will have developed an encyclopaedic knowledge of the best diets for every occasion. To be able to share the quick fixes that will mitigate against my ongoing love affair with any food stuff!

So far I’ve found at that if you’ve an inch or two to lose to fit into the perfect dress – then go for juicing for three days. You might not be able to leave the house for too long and there is a chance that only your bathroom mirror will witness how fabulous you look in your special outfit – but that risk is worth it.

Think Beyoncé would approve of that one.

Or maybe she would endorse the month long sugar ban. Living on a diet of yeast free, sugar free – well let’s be honest – fun free scones will result in considerable weight loss. It also so addles the mind so completely that no one will want to spend any time with you.

And again, the results of your weight loss will probably only be witnessed by yourself as fellow holiday makers give you and your fun free chat a wide berth.

There’s been slimming world, weight watchers, fat free, fat full as well as mixing it up in a bid to trick the body with feast and famine.

Gin apparently (according to the Daily Mail) will cure arthritis, white wine – consumed in epic quantities – gives you leave to eat whatever you care to forget and of course there are my life long companions of black coffee and cigarettes – who say you should breakfast like a king when you can start the day in a dramatic plume of smoke that staves off the hunger pangs throughout the day.

Yes, I know that if I’d spent my research time wisely – eating three healthy meals and doing regular exercise – I too could have a body that needed only minor photoshopping to achieve the thigh gap of my dreams.

But once you’ve realised that you ain’t ever going to be Beyoncé – then why not enjoy your nappy (non weave) hair, thick waist and try out another diet that won’t make you too Sasha feeble…