My knees are not trembling. My thighs have not felt the burn that comes from hovering too long. You know that feeling ladies – when you are at pains to keep all parts of your body as far away from a toilet seat as possible.

We’ve all been there…dying for a pee, but unable to fully enjoy the release due to the state of the loos.

I judge any establishment by how well they keep their bogs. Sadly too many don’t seem to care and even sadder is that so many women think it’s appropriate to walk out leaving some decidedly messy deposits behind them.

But I digress. My knees and thighs are grand because I’m not hovering over a steaming bowl of mugwort.

Mainly because I don’t know what mugwort is and secondly because it is a ridiculous concept. One that should never have been raised in public.

Your privates are private. How you choose to tend to them is your own business. Whether or not you wax or shave or even plait the hairs you’ve been given is your business and yours alone.

Why would we listen to celebrities yammering on about the benefits of steaming your under carriage?

I’ve enough to be getting on with keeping my rampant eyebrows in check and making sure I don’t look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. Let alone considering adding a grooming activity that I think should only be for broccoli.

So no, my grooming regime won’t include a steam and it probably won’t make a blind bit of difference to the world…but at a time when the NHS is already creaking under the pressure of increased intakes of time wasters, let’s hope they done have to deal with too many women who’ve scalded their fandagos in a bid to groom like Gwyneth.