As we head into the golden quarter (retail-speak for the mad dash to Christmas), I think it’s timely that we conduct a retro.
I knew the theory of Agile before I moved into product after maternity leave, but the reality of stand-ups, sprints and scope creep was a crash course. Now, in post-working life (trad wife era or short pause, to be endured or enjoyed, TBC), I’m keen to keep those skills sharp. Luckily, the household is helping. Because if you squint, a house with two small children is just a product team with an unpredictable roadmap and stakeholders who scream when their toast is cut the wrong way.
Attendees
So who’s in attendance at this retro?
- Product Owner (age 3) – Self-appointed. Vision changes every eleven minutes. Communicates mainly through the word “No.”
- Chaos Engineer (age 1) – Tests every system to destruction. Anything within reach can and will be used as a weapon.
- Key Stakeholder (Husband) – Supportive in principle. Has never attended a Sunday morning stand-up, as these clash with his tee time.
- External Consultant (Granny, up the road) – Arrives with snacks, undermines all agreed processes, adored by the whole team.
- Scrum Master (me) – Removes blockers, finds the other shoe. Runs on coffee and goodwill. Mostly coffee. Currently open to new opportunities.
Sprint goal
All sprints start with a goal. We kept ours simple, not least because of the attention spans of the Product Owner and Chaos Engineer.
Out of the house by 8:30am, fed, dressed and wearing two shoes each.
Status: partially delivered. Shoes were achieved on four out of five days, though not always on the correct feet.
What went well
- Breakfast shipped on time three days out of five. The other two failed user acceptance testing: toast cut into triangles.
- The Product Owner negotiated an extra bedtime story by complimenting my outfit. Real growth in stakeholder management.
- Excellent cross-team collaboration. Both children worked together to unroll an entire toilet roll. I’ve never seen such alignment.
- The External Consultant delivered an emergency hotfix on Wednesday: soup, just as morale hit rock bottom.
What didn’t go well
- Critical incident on the rug. At 8:24am, socks laid out and ready for deployment, the Chaos Engineer did a poo on the rug and stomped it in barefoot. The release was rolled back. The rug has been decommissioned.
- Non-negotiable acceptance criteria. The Product Owner will now only accept a bath on days she’s done a poo. This was not raised at sprint planning.
- Unauthorised access to the golf bag. The Chaos Engineer ran a penetration test on the back door and came worryingly close to testing the club’s strength on his sister. The Key Stakeholder was unavailable to comment. He was on the course.
- Technical debt. On Saturday, we skipped the nap. The debt was called in at 5pm, with interest.
Blockers
It’s always good to understand the blockers ahead of the next sprint. In our case, mostly so we can repeat them.
- Bedtime. Every night we agree a 7pm release. Every night “one more story” becomes six and it slips to 8:30pm.
- Key Stakeholder availability. Last known location: the fourth hole.
- The job hunt. I’ve been searching for a new squad. Applications sent: a few. Squads found: 0. The search continues.
Action items
And no retro is complete without some actions to take forward.
- Move the golf clubs somewhere safe. Owner: Key Stakeholder. Due: as soon as the next round is over.
- Investigate why the Chaos Engineer only sleeps in Mummy and Daddy’s big bed. Owner: Chaos Engineer. Due: never.
- Renegotiate the bath-poo policy. Owner: Product Owner. Due: when she feels like it.
- Buy a new rug. Owner: Scrum Master. Due: urgently.
What have we learned?
The team is under-resourced, over-snacked and wildly unpredictable. There is poo where poo should not be. But the Product Owner loves my outfit, the Chaos Engineer gives the best cuddles in the business, and the Key Stakeholder is back from the course by teatime. Mostly.
Next retro: after Christmas – the peak of peak. Wish me luck.
And if you’re looking for a UX writer with proven crisis management skills and experience handling difficult stakeholders, you know where to find me.
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